Who I discovering I am think

I used to blog incessantly but nowadays, it’s not that I have nothing to say but rather, I want what I say to be worthwhile, anointed, and meaningful. I guess in my striving to be this certain persona or be received in a certain way, I expelled the rhetoric that would best paint me in that light. But then, Christ had to come along and fuck shit up. I had a game plan dammit! Now, I have no clue.
He’s helped me realize that I have no idea who I am and what I’m capable of. I’ve learned that most of my public expulsions have been a product of my overwhelming need to be loved and accepted; but how can I truly feel that love&acceptance if the person I am projecting is so far removed from who I really am?
God keeps saying, “Ahnmin, you are so much more. You are so much more than that.” And I’m all like, “But I don’t want to be more. I just want to settle for my ideal.” And then He comes back at me like, “Are you an idiot? You’re lucky that I love you.” And then under my breath, “Psh… lucky. Riiighhhtt…” And then He goes, “YOU KNOW I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING YOU SAY AND THINK RIGHT? I INVENTED MOUNTAINS.”
I feel that there is a lot to share and express. I just don’t want it to be motivated by a nagging itch to play that part.
So now, God is giving me full freedom and access to discover myself. Who I really am, what I’m really capable of, aside from the labels and personae. In His endless love and patience, no matter how much I gnash my teeth at Christ to reject His purpose and live out my own subplot, He still gives me the space and time to excavate pure joy- and it’s not in movies or art or culture, it’s Him in me, the seed that He planted since the beginning of all things beautiful and real.
I just hope I can find that soon because I really want to make more blog posts for people to click the little heart to and respond to. Although, I can already anticipate God’s response.

God said: Everything was pretty cool until that last line… SMH. Sigh, still love ya.